Elephant Jokes
by Bryn Gwyrdd
Summary: A little NSFW tale of how to laugh a guy into bed and what to do with him once you get him there.


Disclaimer: I do not own of these characters; they are the property of Shoot the Moon Enterprises and Warner Bros. Television. I acknowledge gratefully the hard work of the creators of the series who brought to life characters we like so much we can't let them go.

As usual, be aware this is really NSFW. Like seriously, Not Safe For Work. Or home, if you have children who use your computer. Or a husband who doesn't understand that Lee Stetson is your hall pass. :-)

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 **Elephant Jokes**

Francine slid into the backseat of the Cherokee in time to hear Lee say "Seriously? Again? Banana who?"

"Knock, knock"

"A-man-da! I thought the point of the knock-knock jokes was that there be a joke!"

"Just go with it, Stetson. Consider it a second childhood."

"Fine. Who's there?"

"Orange"

"Orange who?"

"Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?"

Francine looked back and forth between the two of them as Amanda laughed helplessly at Lee's pained expression. "Knock-knock jokes? This is what you guys do when you're on surveillance? I came to see if you still had any cookies and this is even more domestic than I expected."

Amanda passed a half-full Tupperware container over the seat. "Well, we were playing "Name the movie" but we ran out of movie lines we could remember. And somehow it came up that Lee had never heard any elephant jokes and one thing led to another."

Francine's jaw dropped open. "You never heard any elephant jokes? How is that possible?"

Lee shrugged. "You miss a lot of things moving from base to base. I guess I've lived this long without knowing how to tell if an elephant's been in my refrigerator."

"Footprints in the butter," said Francine. "That's a classic. So, why do elephants paint their balls red?"

Amanda started to laugh harder. "I think I might be glad my boys haven't heard this one yet. Why do they?"

"So they can hide in cherry trees. How did Tarzan die?"

"I don't know. How did Tarzan die?"

"Picking cherries."

Amanda doubled over while Lee just groaned.

"What do you do with an elephant with three balls?"

"You know Francine, this conversation was a lot more polite before you showed up"

"Oh get your mind out of the gutter, Stetson. So, what's the answer?"

"I give up. What do you do with an elephant with three balls?"

"Walk him and pitch to the giraffe" chorused Amanda and Francine together.

Lee leaned forward to bang his head on the steering wheel. "I can't believe there are two of you doing this to me now."

"Oh come on Lee, you must have learned some jokes when you were a kid. How did you make friends when you moved to a new base?"

"Usually I just beat up the biggest kid in the class and then everybody left me alone. And it ticked off my uncle at the same time so always enjoyable." He paused suddenly, struck by a memory. "Actually Barney had a great opening joke. He always trotted it out at a new place."

"Who's Barney?" asked Amanda.

Lee looked surprised she didn't know. "Haven't I told you about Barney? He was the Colonel's sargeant and all-round right hand guy. He was the only person I'd behave for, so the Colonel always made sure he transferred right along with us. I should introduce you some day. He'd like you."

Amanda smiled at the way Lee's face softened when he spoke about his old friend. "So what was his joke?"

"A pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants and orders a drink. The bartender doesn't say anything but finally curiosity gets the better of him and he says to him "So, do you realize you have that steering wheel stuck down the front of your pants?" and the pirate says "Arrr, it's driving me nuts."

There was a moment of silence before Amanda and Francine began to shriek with laughter. "Oh Lee, you could have saved a lot of fight time if you'd started with that joke. Philip and Jamie would love that one."

"Well if I ever meet them, I'll try it out on them". Out of sight of Francine in the back seat, Amanda gently squeezed his hand and gave him a quick smile before turning towards the back seat. "Ok, Desmond, you're up again. I'm all out of material and you're fresh meat in the joke department."

Francine thought for a moment before saying "Oh! Fred of all people had a good one the other day. What do you call it when two cop cars pull up to each other in opposite directions so the drivers can talk to each other?"

"I give up. What do you call it?"

Francine waited until Lee was mid-sip on his coffee before answering,"Adam-69" then sat back with a satisfied expression as he did a classic spit take all over the dashboard.

Amanda tried to pat him on the back as he gasped for breath but she was laughing too hard to help much.

"I'm almost surprised you got that one Amanda. Your wholesome reputation is really starting to tarnish, you know."

"Oh Francine, what was it Lee told you once? You should never underestimate a housewife?" Lee, who had almost gotten his breath back, started to cough uncontrollably again.

"He told you he said that?" Francine was stunned.

"Oh, we don't have a lot of secrets left after all these years" said Amanda. "But you know Francine, you really have a very strange view of life in the suburbs. You seem to think it's all Stepford Wives when really it's more like Peyton Place. Just ask Lee – the burbs are all swinging housewives, burning their bras and getting secret tattoos."

Francine gaped at her. "How would Lee know that?"

"Between Betsy Ross Estates and the Mothers for a Safe Environment, he's seen firsthand most of what there is to know about housewives."

"Oh really?" smirked Francine. "Does he know if you have any secret tattoos?"

"He knows I don't" answered Amanda serenely, while Lee's eyes went wide.

"He does?" exclaimed Francine. She leaned forward in anticipation of getting some insight into the mysteries of the relationship in front of her.

"Of course he does. They'd be in my file under distinguishing marks for identification purposes."

Francine sat back looking disappointed at the ready answer, while Amanda hid a smile as Lee's eyes travelled unerringly to the top of her left hip where a tiny birthmark was hidden just under the top of her panties. She couldn't help licking her lips nervously when he looked back up to meet her eyes, desire flaring in his hazel ones.

A tap at the window made everyone in the car jump, just before the other passenger door opened and Fred leaned in. "Hate to interrupt your little ménage à trois here, guys, but good news – they picked up Karkov at the airport and we don't have to keep watching the house anymore."

"Well thank God for that – Amanda was starting to weird me out with tales of suburbia!" exclaimed Francine. "Before tonight I wouldn't have been sure she knew what a ménage à trois was and now I can't even be certain she hasn't been in one."

"Well, now that you mention it…" started Amanda, grinning.

"No! Stop it! I don't even want to hear you joke about it!" said Francine starting to laugh, as she stepped out of the car.

"I do!" said Fred, hopefully.

"Get the hell out of the car Fred" said Lee in a tone that brooked no opposition.

"You used to be a lot more fun, Scarecrow," grumbled Fred.

"Aw, he's still fun. Maybe tomorrow he'll you his pirate joke," said Amanda helpfully.

Lee started up the engine and waited for Fred and Francine to walk back to their vehicle. "The night's still young. You hungry for something other than cookies?"

"I could eat" said Amanda, laying her hand on his thigh and squeezing it gently. "What have you got at your place? Fred talking all that French has got me riled up."

Lee glanced over at her, feeling his jeans get tighter as he watched her eyes darken in anticipation.

"Morticia, you are going to be the death of me," he smiled at her.

"Hopefully not. I have plans for you and they don't include necrophilia."

Lee slammed the Jeep into gear and peeled out of the street like a man demented while Amanda desperately tried to get her seatbelt done up in between giggles.

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SMK** SMK** SMK**

They tumbled in the door of Lee's apartment, both breathless from having raced each other from the car. Barely had the door shut behind them before Lee had Amanda pushed up against the wall, tugging her shirt out of the waistband of her jeans and over her head before his tongue demanded entry to her more than willing mouth. He felt her smile at his groan of satisfaction when he realized she was wearing a front-fastening bra but she yelped as he bent to take one nipple between his teeth, while pinching the other firmly.

"That's payback for getting handsy while I was trying to drive" he muttered into her neck.

Well I probably deserved it then. What else do I deserve?" she murmured lasciviously.

"I'm sure I could think up something you should be punished for, but I don't think either of us are in the mood to let me think too long."

It seemed he was right because his efforts to undress her were being matched by an increase in her frantic attempts to undo his belt and fly simultaneously. By the time she had gotten everything undone and released his erection over the top of his boxers, he had managed to get her jeans undone and slipped them halfway down her hips. Soon he had her bucking against his fingers in rhythm with the strokes she was giving his hard length. Pulling his hand away, he stepped forward to grind himself against her warm body, but when he moved his knee in between her thighs to move her legs further apart, she suddenly put a hand on his chest and gasped "Not yet!"

He groaned and put his hands on the wall on either side of her head, but without stopping the grinding motion against her. "You are definitely trying to kill me!'

Amanda chuckled suggestively. "That conversation in the car with Francine got me thinking."

Lee cocked his head and looked down at her, dimples dancing in his cheeks. "We've left it a bit late to invite her for a threesome. And I'm sure as hell not inviting Fred."

Amanda really did laugh then. She reached up and pulled his head down to hers so she could murmur into his ear. "Not that part of the conversation, Adam". She felt Lee go stock still in her arms. She wasn't even sure he was breathing except that his erection was still jumping furiously against her belly. "Are you dead yet?" she couldn't resist asking.

"Not yet, just momentarily paralysed while I try to remember if I've told you lately how much I love you."

"You have, but you don't really need to sweet talk me right now. You just need to finish getting your clothes off."

"Yes ma'am. Race you to the bed, ma'am" Lee was now backing down the hallway, tugging his jeans down as he went, needing to stop and toe his shoes off before he could finish pulling them off. He realized as he reached the bed and sat down to finish pulling off his shirt and socks that Amanda had followed more slowly. She stopped in the doorway for a moment, shrugging off the bra that was still hanging on her shoulders before strolling forward to stand in front of him, just out of reach. As he leaned back on his elbows, she kicked off her sandals and then excruciatingly slowly hooked her fingers on her waistband and began shimmying her way out of her jeans. When she was finally left wearing nothing but her panties, she paused for a moment, enjoying watching his eyes turn from hazel to tawny brown with desire, before taking a step forward. As his gaze swept down her whole body, she could feel her nipples harden further as he watched. His eyes became fixed on the pale pink scrap of fabric still left on her body and when he licked his lips, staring at the patch of damp she could tell was already showing, she shivered in anticipation.

Lee sat up and reaching forward, ran his thumb down the front of her underwear from the waistband to the warmth between her legs. He grinned at her moan of appreciation and reached up to pull the waistband slightly down her hip to expose the birthmark hidden there. "Distinguishing marks indeed" he growled, using his grip on her panties to pull her closer until she was standing between his legs. She gave a gasping laugh as he placed his face against the fabric to breathe in her arousal before beginning to nuzzle the ticklish skin along her pelvis as he slid the panties down her legs.

"What kind of tattoo would you suggest I get?" she asked, running her fingers through his hair. "It would need to be discreet. I can hardly get 'Property of Lee Stetson' printed along the small of my back. Dr McJohn would pass out at my next physical." She giggled at the way his breath huffed out against her skin as he laughed.

"No tattoos for you, young lady. You're perfect just the way you are." Amanda gasped as he punctuated the sentence by suddenly running his tongue along her moist core and then tugging on the tender engorged flesh nestled there with his lips.

For a moment, she stood there, her fingers gripping his head as the sensations jolted through her like electric shocks before finally forcing herself to step backwards and begin to push him back onto the bed. "No fair starting without me. Now I have to play catch up." She laughed as Lee rapidly scrambled to slide further up on the bed to make room for her and leaned back on the pillow, hands crossed behind his head, dimples creasing his cheeks. She knelt on the end of the bed and then slowly crawled towards him, like a panther after her prey.

"So, lover boy, ever done this before?"

"Once or twice, but it's been a while. You'll have to be gentle with me. How about you? This your first rodeo, cowgirl?"

"Sweetheart, what have I told you about housewives? We pretty much _invented_ this out in the suburbs."

Lee's laughter was quickly converted to a groan of appreciation as Amanda swooped down suddenly and took him in her mouth. He had thought he was stiff before but the sight of her wrapping her lips around his tip while her hand slid firmly up and down the rest of him made him harden further. He could tell Amanda had noticed when she looked up at him and smiled at him before running her tongue across the slit to lick off the moisture that had gathered there.

"Definitely going to kill me" he gasped, running a hand down her back and buttocks before grasping her thigh to pull her over his body and starting to lick the juices from the inside of her legs.

Amanda almost lost her mind at the sensations he was provoking. It had been too long since she had gotten to use this position, and Lee's technique was definitely more practiced than Joe's had ever been. When his tongue found its way right inside her while his fingers stroked firmly across her aching bud, she gave a scream of approval that brought her attention to Lee to a stop momentarily and she could feel him laughing against her warmth.

"Good?"

"Great. Don't stop or I really will kill you."

Soon they were in rhythm, letting each other know through the speeding up and slowing down of their hands and tongues what they wanted the other to do. Amanda was stunned at Lee's ability to concentrate on every twitch and roll of her hips as he pushed her arousal to the limit, seemingly instinctively knowing just the right time to go gently and when not to. His fingers seemed to be everywhere at once, tickling the soft skin of her loins where he knew she was most sensitive or caressing her from her back down her body to her thighs, adjusting her body position to allow him the most access. Several times he brought her to such a state of tension that she lost the ability to continue her part of the bargain, but it actually seemed to please him more when she had to pause to catch her breath and gasp his name. Even with interruptions like that though, soon enough she could feel his body tensing as his climax approached. Swiftly running one hand up and down his length, she sucked on him then slid her hand down to cup him. As she circled one finger along the soft skin behind his balls, she could feel him beginning to buck against her. Leaning forward even more so her forearms were braced on his legs, she tightened her mouth around him as he began to empty himself. She had thought she wasn't ready to come yet, but was taken by surprise by the erotic sensation of having him shouting her name into her body as he ground his face into her over-sensitized flesh. She had to release Lee from her mouth to let out the keening scream of her own climax.

She didn't think it was ever going to stop as wave after wave of sensation rolled through her body, encouraged she realized by the fact that Lee was still licking and tugging at her as she spasmed. Finally though, she tumbled off him and lay on her back beside him, both of them panting and shaking from their exertion and the tingling of the nerve endings that wouldn't stop.

Lee reached over and took her hand in his as they lay there, still hip to cheek. "Are you dead? I think I'm dead."

"No, I'm pretty sure dead doesn't feel this good. But I think I finally really understand why the French call it "le petit mort" because I think my heart may have stopped for a minute there."

She could feel Lee starting to shake with laughter beside her. "Oh Morticia, again with the French!"

Rolling on her side, she propped herself up on her elbow to grin at him before glancing sideways at the still twitching semi-erection beside her and starting to laugh.

"You sure know how to give a guy a complex, Amanda. What's so funny?"

"What did the elephant say to the naked man?" she paused for a second as he groaned and then went on, "It's cute but how do you breathe through it?"

Her laughter was cut off by Lee flipping himself around and landing across her body to kiss her. She shivered appreciatively, wrapping her legs around his to bring him closer and encouraging him to let his full weight press her back into the bed while she ran her fingers through his hair.

Pulling back, he smiled into down at her, heart rocked by the love in her face as she smiled back up at him. "Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"I love you."

"I love you who?"

"I love you, my Amanda."


End file.
